A bump on the road Feb. 4.2016

I sat over him.
He looked up at me with a lazy grin on his face, our fingers twined. It was nice.
Then he let out a heavy breath.
"I don't want it to be over," he sighed. "Why do we have to break up?"
"Babe, it's gonna happen. I told you from the beginning."
"And you're just gonna leave. Just like that."
I didn't want to answer. But my silence was enough. He turned his head away.
"It doesn't make our time together mean anything less. It doesn't." He didn't look at me. "I could have not talked to you. We could have not gotten together. Spend my last months here never getting to be together. But I wanted to be with you. I could have done anything else, but I wanted to be with you. Even if for a little while."
I touched his cheek to face me but he closed his eyes and sighed once more.
"I love you. God fucking dammit, I love you," his voice almost a whisper. "But it's so easy for you to drop me, isn't it?" He looked me hard in the face again.
I wondered if I should be completely honest with him. I didn't want to stain our time together with him thinking I was a wretch the whole time. But I had to be honest. I always had to be.
"I won't lie. I've kept to myself my whole life."
He turned away again. I sighed and moved off him to sit against the window.
"Don't hate me, John. And don't start wishing you never met me or ever got with me. I've loved you with everything I have. I didn't hold back. I love hard, John. I wanted to be with you. I didn't want to miss my chance. Don't you get it? At least, a little?"
"I know all of that already. We talked about it. I just...don't..."
"Don't think of it as the end. Think about it another way. Like, this was our summer romance. And now I have to go away. We go back to our lives. Does that sound better? 'Cause it literally is what's happening. We're having that summer romance. Only it's snowing and its springtime."
He smiled a bit at that.
"Yeah, I get it."
I loved him so fiercely. I did. But I don't think he understood. I'd never been given the chance to give myself up to someone, much less someone who wanted to take all of me. It was delirious. And fun. And beautiful. He did not see it, but I was grateful for the chance to love and be loved. That was it. Time constraint or not, I loved him.
But I wasn't in love with him. I knew that. And he knew that. He knew that if I truly loved him, I'd make it work somehow. I'd stay, even. Or cry just as much as he clearly wanted me to. It made things feel like a fling, a floozy, like I used him.
Maybe I did.
I knew I couldn't love him like that. I was much too smart about it. What I hoped was that he could  eventually get over hating me for being so easy over this, and appreciate how young we were. He was  so young in some things.
I gathered my hair into a bun. "I should probably go. Have some reading to get to. See you later though?" I found my jeans and started to slip them on.
"Yeah," he vaguely whispered. He stayed in bed looking up at the ceiling.
"Yeah," I repeated. I looked him over once more. "Yeah..."
I got up and left.